Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Secrets of the Universe?

Ever feel like you’re on the verge of a great discovery and have just one more clue to find before the secrets of the universe will be revealed? I feel like I am on the journey – so close, and yet, so far. There have been so many changes this year with the birth of our second child, the emerging of our son from a toddler to a little boy, and me going back to school. The challenges and joys of two children are greater than I ever imagined. For me, kids are like the something I never knew I needed, but did. They keep me balanced and sane, despite the insanity they create. They require that of me, to some degree. The challenges all of this has caused for my wife are ten-fold that of what I experience, but I will leave that for her to process in her own way and time.

I’ve just spent a wonderful Holiday with my family, and the days surrounding it with two good friends I have known since high school. In fact, one I have known since the 6th grade. In most ways, no one knows me better, or is more accepting of me than these two beautiful women. We have, at times, been separated for months and even years, and yet, each time we come together, the years fall away and we are simply ourselves comfortable in the bond forged years ago. After spending time with them, I always feel more grounded and sure of who I am and where I am going. In being accountable to those who have known me for so long, I am forced to be as true to myself as possible. Especially as the year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on my decisions and actions of the past and wondering if I am where I am supposed to be. We all have dreams in high school of how our lives will turn out, and few of them tend to come true exactly, and in many ways, this really is best. I am happy to know I can look back, and at each juncture know that I did what I thought was best for me at the time. It doesn’t mean all has turned out as I’d hoped, or that I made no mistakes, but I can say, I have been true, have not sold out, and not compromised values that turned me into someone who I am not. That is a type of success, for certain.

I never thought I’d be going back to school, particularly law school, at almost 40. I never thought Id’ be accumulating the debt I am in order to do so, and yet, here I am. That is a little frightening, and yet overall, as for going to law school, I still think, “How cool is this?” It feels right, and I have to trust it is.

Still, attending law school also forces me to confront some big issues. It is such an “academic/intellectual” field that I find myself more and more drawn towards the arts for balance. I look towards my lifelong aspiration of being a writer. I’ve done some writing, completed a novel, a screenplay and nearly completed another novel, yet I am not published (thanks to the freak publisher I got involved with who did not fulfill my contract – probably a good thing, in retrospect). That is still something I want to do – to be a well-known, published author. Maybe I will be the next John Grisham :) More and more, the theme of my life that is emerging is balance. It is about balancing the elements that I know are important, those that I want to be important, and those that I still need to discover are important. Maybe that is what we are all doing.


Anonymous said...

What is The Secret?


Casey said...

Ummm...think you can update this for us? :)