Monday, September 14, 2009

The Wait

12 days to go until I get my bar results.
This is not feeling like the 12 days of Christmas.

The wait is pure torture. No, not pure. It's this incessant sort of disease inside your body that you think you can ignore, but it's there, eating away at your brain, your ego, your soul. Was I good enough to pass the first time? Was I smart enough? Did I have what it takes? Sure, lots of people don't pass the first time, but even more do. No body wants to be an "also ran."

I am sure many of my classmates are going through this. I found out one of them who is already employed where she wants to work in a job that does not even require bar passage has been incredibly restless during this wait. It's this huge mind game that you have four years to prepare for, but I am not sure you can ever truly be ready to face. There is no way to simulate, or even anticipate, what the pressure of this wait will do.

I am still trying to figure out how much of my own restlessness and re-evaluation of pretty much everything in my life is because of the wait, and how much of it is real because I reached a life milestone, and now it's time to look around and figure out which way to go next. Maybe you can't separate the two. Graduation is just punctuated by the insane bar exam and then the wait. Ugh.

Mentally, I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal. If I don't pass, I can retake it in February, where I almost certainly would pass. Right? Maybe. Statistically, the passage rate for second-time takers is drastically lower. Oh, that helps!

Vegas anyone?

9 comments:

nikk said...

Let's go!!! I AM that kind of a friend!

Dakota said...

Nikk - I have always loved your self-sacrificing ways! :)

Patti_Cake said...

Oh I hate waiting, with a purple passion! Wishing you the best Dakota!

Lynilu said...

I'm still surprised that the Bar exam is handled this way, as most of the professional tests are results available upon completion. That being said, I'm empathic to the pain of waiting. The first licensure exam I took was results-delayed, too (pre computerization of such) and the wait was agonizing! Breathe, breathe, breathe. Then go to Vegas!

Dakota said...

Patti-Cake and Lynilu - Thanks for the words of support! Bar exam is partially results-delayed due to so much of it being essay answers. Can't score that via computer!

Vegas....yes....!

Caroline said...

When I took my social work license test I only had to wait 30 seconds to get my results and it was the longest 30 seconds of my life.

I know you are going to do great!!!

Proto Attorney said...

I don't understand why they can't at least give us the results of the multiple choice. I *know* I passed the essay, almost everyone does in my state. But the multiple choice... it's a scantron sheet! They can have those all graded in no time! It's just one more way they torture us.

I've still got 25 days, ugh. They finally posted the exact release date, and I nearly threw up.

Heather said...

At least it is not like CA I think our state does nto give results till Nov.... The wait almost reminds me of waiting for the LSAT score ... errr.. Ihave that in 11 day what fun

Dakota said...

Proto Attorney - YES- that would be perfect. It really is those damn multiple choice questions that have caused me to have no clue how I did. Was I having a good multiple choice day or a bad multiple choice day?

My breathing has gotten shallow and rapid just thinking about it.....