Friday, February 03, 2006

The Guilt of an Evening Student

OK, so you want a taste of my life? Here's my partner's blog today (easily accessible over on the right):
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...We have done 15 trillion activities but nothing for more than 5 minutes at a time. Let me tell you - that's a LOT of cleaning up and putting away.

I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm lonely (which is odd since I don't have 10 seconds to myself). I'm tired of hearing "MAMA!" screamed at me. I'm tired of hearing "I want a snack!" "MAAAAAMAAAAAA....you HAVE to!" "MAAAMAAAAAA....Come HERE!"

I'm tired of saying "Come here if you want to speak with me." "You just ate breakfast/lunch. You can have a snack in a couple hours." "Actually, I don't HAVE to do anything. I'm the parent."

And I'm so over the whining today. The fussing. The tears.

Have I mentioned lately that I haven't had a child-free moment to myself in weeks and weeks? Good thing nap time is coming.
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What am I to do with this? Being a typical "man" (yes, I am a woman, but have been told that I often behave in a relationship as a man would), I want to solve this problem. Being a woman, I get to feel really guilty about it. I did "get us into this." In reality, there is nothing I can do. I am already more behind in class than I'd like. By that, I only mean that I am keeping up with the reading, but had no time for extras, and have not looked at the draft of my paper that needs lots of polish before Tuesday. I do not have time to come home and do chores, fix things, clean things, give my wife a break. I'd love to give her a break, but the reality is, if I do not devote tomorrow to school work, I will fall painfully behind. Sunday? Yes, on Sunday I can relieve her for a couple hours. Maybe it's time she take that night at The Heathman Lodge.

I know my wife balances her love of our children and her good fortune at being able to stay home with them with the need for a break and some time to herself.

I balance my desire/need for a law education with my responsibilities to my family now. Neither is a particularly enviable position.

Maybe if the sun would come out, this day would look brighter. Can you say Seasonal Affective Disorder?

5 comments:

Lynn said...

Can't we get a family member to stay overnight with the kids and both moms get a night at the Heathman Lodge? You need a break too from studying, working, chores at home, and child relief for C. I think you both need a big time break. Sure wish we were there to help out.

Casey said...

As one of the families all time favorite books says "Some days are like that.....even in Australia"

Nothing you can do - going to school and working is what you are doing at this point. As I am forever telling K, when he talks of missing you so much, "Mama is away from us so much because she is doing a really great thing for us. She's learning new things to get a new job that will pay her more money so we can take more trips to the beach and take more fun classes like gymnastics. AND...her new job will mean that she has more time to spend with us."

I know it's the for greater good - and I know it's hard for you, too. I do. But knowing that doesn't make my end of the deal any easier. But....the kids would be on me and I would be having bad days (like yesterday) even if you came in the door at 5pm.

I just need some down time and even though a night in a hotel alone sounds like a slice of heaven, I can't go right now. Our daughter still needs me at night and it wouldn't do anyone any goodto have her upset and screaming all night because she misses me.....and I sure wouldn't be able to relax knowing that is what was happening.

So...the best we can do right now is try to find someone to help for a handful of hours each week.

Remember too...my blog is not a reflection of my feelings for you or our family. It's just a place to vent. If I couldn't vent, things would not be pretty! :)

LawSchool Mama said...

Lynn -
Well, eventually, we will get there, but not yet :) Kaylen is a co-sleeper, plus nursing still. Kelton has never been away from us, except when Kaylen was born. It sounds wonderful though! Thanks for the kind thoughts! Wish we were all closer to help each other out.
-D

Casey -
I know. Venting does help. Someday, it will all be worth it.
I will work on tracking down a reliable babysitter a couple hours a week.
-D

LawMom said...

The balance is definitely difficult, no matter what you're doing. I think the fact that you want it to work means that you'll find a way to make it happen that works for your family. I know it's hard, though. Hang in there.

Casey said...

*ahem* Are you ever going to update this thing? It's not like you've been busy or anything. ROFLMAO!!!